We had a special event at church recently. At one point, the speaker had the married couples stand. Then he told husbands to repeat after him and say what he told us to say to our wives. After that, he did the same for the wives to repeat to their husbands. You know the underlying message, right? "You're not doing this right, and you need to admit it." I was amused, of course, that the men were making more mistakes than the women, and, moreso that my wife told me, "You're already doing all he said you should be." I don't think I'm even remotely a perfect husband, but I'm pleased she's pleased.
It made me think. Have you noticed that the commands in Scripture for husbands and wives are not contingent? I mean, nowhere does it say, "Wives, submit to good husbands" or "Husbands, love your wives if they're treating you well." Every command for husbands and wives are commands without regard to the corresponding spouse. Husbands aren't told to love their wives who submit and wives aren't told to submit to husbands who love. In fact, Peter says, "Wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word" (1 Peter 3:1) -- the opposite of what you might think.
If you pay attention to the standard wedding vows, they are intentionally unconditional. The promise is to love without consideration of the circumstances "'til death do us part." In the same way, we're commanded to treat our spouses in a way that glorifies God and not contingent on our spouses. We aren't to be analyzing their worth or obedience to Christ to determine our proper response. We're supposed to look to God for our motivation in doing what's best for our spouses ... unconditional love, powered by God, sanctified by the Spirit and freely given to our spouses. Imagine what love, freely given and not conditioned on the recipient, would do to marriages.
5 comments:
I have been vehemently declaring this exact sentiment to my newly separated daughter … but to no avail. Even secular wedding vows recognize that the marital commitment is “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health,” yet too many say, “Well, I don’t like the conditions I find myself, so I am out of here.” If true love is conditional that way, it would not be the fullest, deepest, most extensive love it seeks to be. As you say, this kind of love is “powered by God,” so it is not readily found outside of Christian marriages. (My husband and I thought we were providing good role models to our two children in this regard; now I suspect that my husband’s stellar example of a loving husband has “spoiled” my daughter regarding typical husband behavior!)
P.S. As an aside, I can’t say I like the particular practice of the event speaker you mentioned--leading people to speak sentiments (or make admissions) to their spouses that possibly were not sincere--i.e. to put words in their mouths that might not have been in their hearts. Perhaps a small quibble, but personally, I would never comply with “repeat after me” without advance consideration. (In fact, this very much relates to one of the points I have been making to my daughter regarding keeping/breaking wedding vows made before God and witnesses!)
On your aside, I wasn't exactly pleased with his approach either. He assumed too much and seemed to think that saying words was changing hearts. He led the audience in a "Sinner's Prayer" at the end, and then referred to "the promise you just made to God" as if by repeating the words he said, they were actually personal promises to God. And ... I didn't repeat what he said in either case. (Oh, and I can't imagine blaming your husband as a good example of a good husband as a problem for your daughter. Jesus was the absolute best example and I wouldn't think He "spoiled" anyone by doing so.)
Unfortunately, we have come to expect that if we obey these husbands and wives commands, that we'll have wonderful marriages. I can say, one spouse can be obeying the commands and the other not, have a miserable marriage, but because of the fulfillment of Christ, not be looking for an out of the marriage.
The “Sinner’s Prayer” as well? Oh, no! Well, I sure hope there was something worthwhile in that event (besides learning your wife thinks you are perfect ;)!
I suppose that good role models are always valuable--even if to contrast with bad examples. I recall that as a teen, after seeing how my father (mis)treated my mother over many years, I vowed, “I will not marry (if I marry) a bossy man.” So I was quite delighted to connect with my very easy-going boyfriend (now husband) at age 16. Then we both were born-again as young adults, and we learned about Eph. 5:22-33, etc. So much for rash, youthful vows! :-D
David, That is a valid observation…and a less-than-happy scenario, of course. It strikes me as a situation when that commitment to noncontingent and sacrificial love for one’s spouse is especially tested--and vital. Surely God will honor faithfulness in such a scenario.
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